Tuesday, January 27, 2015

It Comes In Waves

It's often hard for me to recognize that I'm dealing with a depressive cycle from the inside, because as a general rule my depressive symptoms don't manifest as "being sad" (although there is a significant emotional content). More often, I'll look back over the last couple of weeks and realize that all of the energy just basically drained out of my life. I'm still joking around and punning on Twitter and being clever on G+ or even in person, but I'll suddenly notice that I haven't posted to my blog in two weeks, and I haven't washed any clothes, and I haven't done the dishes, and... you get the idea.

The sudden realization that in fact, I haven't even read a book or listened to a podcast or even checked a news site. The sudden cognizance that I've been letting old movies play on Netflix in the background and I've done nothing but sit in front of my computer and poke at things, not even really engaging in the various and sundry games I might be half-assedly playing.

This latest cycle appears to have queued off the end of my UI benefits. If it weren't for my partner being gainfully employed, I'd be well and truly screwed, but as it is I've taken the tests and signed up and am ready to register for classes on the 27th of February. Which is a weird feeling in and of itself, but it's also curiously both a ways away and very soon now, and I feel a little in suspension, like things are a on hold before the big transition we've been talking about for a while.

I had a series of really promising interviews with several different and engaging places that all said "no thank you" all at once, and then I got the letter telling me that UI was done, and it all sort of piled up at once, so apparently my brain decided to check out for a while.

The good news is, while I have depressive cycles, my particular depression isn't clinical or even dangerous. I'm not interested in harming myself or others, and once I recognize the problem I can usually focus on strategies to cope. And the days are getting longer (slowly, so so slowly), which is good for me. I'm ready to get back on my bike and start riding again. I'm really rather excited to be starting classes, though there's some prep I need to do before I can get really geared up and engaged for that.

There's a plan. There's a will. And there's at least an inkling that things are OK and will remain so for a while. So now it's just a matter of making sure that waiting doesn't make me listless or lazy, and I don't give into the impulse to climb under the covers forever.

But I do need to get more sleep, so...